I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
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If people want to compete for leadership of a religious group, they can compete in piety. A chilling thought. Or funny. -
I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control. -
You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me. -
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. -
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
More quotes by Steven Wright
- How young can you die of old age?
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.