I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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I wasn't going to get such a nice car - I was going to get a cute little hybrid or something, keep the trees happy - but then my grandfather died, and it was all: retail therapy! -
I'm just attracted to playing people who are ostensible unlikable. That's not to say that there's something in there that makes you care. It might be that you just find them so awful that you just can't stop watching, like a car crash. -
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Most of us would never consider getting our car repaired without first receiving an estimate of the charges, but this is exactly what we do when we need to go to a hospital for treatment.
More quotes by Steven Wright
- How young can you die of old age?
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.