This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
More from: Mitch Hedberg
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I'm one of those hovering mothers and I know it's really important to have an independent child, so I'm trying to back off, but it's hard. I love him so much, and he's so funny and cute to me. -
I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. -
And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me. -
I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill. -
I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
- I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?