I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
More from: Emo Philips
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I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. -
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.' -
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. -
For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy.
More quotes by Emo Philips
- I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.