I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
More from: Steven Wright
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When I was trying to impress Kate I was trying to cook these amazing fancy dinners and what would happen was I would burn something, something would overspill, something would catch on fire and she would be sitting in the background trying to help, and basically taking control of the whole situation, so I was quite glad she was there at the time. -
Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. -
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. -
And know that I am with you always yes, to the end of time. -
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
More quotes by Steven Wright
- How young can you die of old age?
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.