If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
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Never have more children than you have car windows. -
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. -
When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny. -
I used to say, 'Man, I think I'd be a really good dad. I'll be a great provider. I'm funny I'll go on trips with them - I'll do all sorts of stuff.' But the momming? I'm not made for that. I have a really good mom I know what she put into it. -
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.
More quotes by Henny Youngman
- Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
- I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
- My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?