If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin
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If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. -
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. -
'Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny. -
It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.
More quotes by Demetri Martin
- I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
- I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
- I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
- People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
- I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'